Get you some “Girls-Girl’s”

Women against women, Judgement, Criticism, and just plain meanness. Bump that, I'll find me some 'girls-girls' instead.

Just do you girl. Don’t you just wish that was the case in all your female interactions? Or even more so, all your interactions including those male filled board rooms. Judgement is such a sticky-icky. It can ruin friendships, relationships, motivation, destroy a person’s self-confidence, and even cause some pretty damaging and dangerous thoughts to go through someone’s mind.

So, after my first, he was premature but healthy thank God, I had a bout of post-partum. I at the time was unable to recognize it and carried what felt like five thousand pounds on my shoulders. As my first, there is always the extra worry and pressure you put on yourself as a new mom. I so desperately wanted to be a good mom, the best mom. I wanted only the best for him which meant that I had to ‘be the best’ for him.

Unfortunately, for him and myself, my breasts had a different notion. Him being premature, five and a half weeks early, my breasts weren’t quite ready for the job a head of them. That or my hormones weren’t playing fair. I was able to provide for him solely the first month but by month two I had to start supplementing. I met with lactation coaches, pediatricians, and read every possible article with suggestions to help increase production. I was prescribed orange bottle medication to help increase flow and even made it through the bloody cracked nipples. I was pumping 6 times a day for 20 minutes each side and accumulation for the entire day would be less than an ounce. Yes, you heard that correctly, a single ounce. By month three my doctors said it was time to let go and let it be. My son had taken just fine to formula and was at a healthy, happy weight so my doctor literally turned and looked at me and said... “it’s okay, Hannah it’s time. You can stop now.” Within 24 hours I felt those five thousand pounds lift right up off of me. I didn’t have to choose; the pediatrician chose for me. In some weird way that made it okay for me to stop. Otherwise, knowing me, I would have kept on draining myself, literally. I truly did feel like it was sucking the life out of me. My hormones were all over the place and I was getting almost no sleep. All this creating a storm of emotions and self-doubt. I felt like I wasn’t a ‘real woman’, I mean what was wrong with me if I couldn’t do this very basic thing that nature intended for. The pressure was so intense.

Being one of the first of my local friend group to become a mom, and no family even living in the same state, I decided I should try to join a local Chicago Mommy Group. It was my first time attending, I swear I was almost giddy to go and meet some other women I could connect with and feel not so ‘alone’ in my journey. It did not go well. I left balling my eyes out.

When sit down and chat time came around, we started asking questions and sharing stories. I thought no better time than to ask for advice on the whole breast-feeding thing. I mean maybe someone had the golden nugget for me and all would be golden. Instead of comradery, I got judgement. One of the moms actually said, “Umm, clearly you are not trying hard enough and you just need to stop putting yourself first and put your baby first”. Yeah, I know. Looking back now, oh you better believe I would have some pretty fan-friggin-tastic words to share with that woman but then, all I could do was allow her evil words to enter into my soul and crush me. I was shaking when I buckled my son into the car seat and headed home and almost gasping when I called my husband on the drive home.

Now…I say…how dare you. How dare that woman make another woman feel less than. How dare she be so meanspirited. How dare she hear my sorrow and despair and throw it back at me, stabbing in the worst way. How dare I allow her negative, asshole vibe enter into my thoughts. How dare I allow her to effect how I viewed myself.

Well, to be honest, she just played off my own words. I already felt less than. I already felt like something was clearly wrong with me. But one thing I did know for sure was that I was doing everything to put my son first. He was my everything. Both my kids are my everything and will always be. I left losing confidence in myself and my ability to connect with other women and my confidence in other women in general.

For whatever reason that woman decided to tear down another woman rather than help build her up. For whatever reason, that group of women decided to click together and make an outsider feel just that, as an outsider.

Unfortunately, this happens all the time. Women against women. Now I get, not everyone is going to be your jam. I get it. But to go out of your way to make another woman feel bad or to go out of your way to put another woman down, yeah that kind of woman is definitely not my jam. Does it mean I am going to go out of my way to exclude or berate her, no, no I am not. You know why? Because I know that deep down, she is struggling herself with something, in some way. I know there has to be a reason she feels better about herself by tearing another woman down. Somewhere in her she has self-doubt, or a lack of self-confidence. Perhaps she has been through hell and back again or has been given far worse criticism. Perhaps it was learned behavior. Or perhaps she is seeking love in all the wrong places. Either way, I don’t want to be her. I want to be light not darkness. I want other women to come to me with whatever they have roaming around their heads and hearts and know I am here to love not judge. That we don’t have to be friends to be friendly. And that the way that I feel about myself shouldn’t be measured by how poorly I make another feel.

There are countless occasions similar to this story of the ‘mean girl’ and although they may differ in setting or verbiage or even worse age, I am sure it is something that each of us deals with either at some point or regularly. And it is sad. So very sad.

How about those of us reading this and saying, ‘yeah, what the hell…girls can really suck sometimes’ let us be that change. Let us be the ‘girls-girl’. Let us bring each other up when we need a little kindness, support each other in our endeavors or when we need a little back up, and give each other a pat on the back rather than a slap across the face. When I find me a girl who brings me up rather than tears me down or make me question myself, I hold on to her. She’s a gem. Let’s be gems.